How to make the perfect plum crumble

 

First, simply go back in time ten years and plant a plum tree

In order to plant the tree, be financially stable enough to own a house and garden

Cultivate the type of friend who buys you a fruit tree from Aldi as a birthday present

A friend that you fell out with years ago, but who comes to mind every time you reach for a ripe plum

Wait years for the tree to grow, enjoy the pure white blossom each spring

During this time, consult the internet for advice on care of fruit trees

Ignore most of this

Mulch haphazardly, prune erratically, chase pigeons from its branches

Wait for a year of extreme heat, for thousands of solar hours converted to sweet fruit

Branches drooping thick with plums the colour of a bruise

You don’t know how this tree can stand it, but she is magnificent in her abundance

In the mornings the grass beneath her offers a banquet for wasps, ants, slugs

A cocky squirrel grabs one in its front paws and nibbles voraciously

Everyone is feasting on her generosity

And yet, there are still so many

Plums to give away, to make into jam, to simmer lightly in a pan and spoon over breakfast

Finally as the year turns and September is in view, it is time to make crumble

Wash your fruit, inhaling the perfume of absolute ripeness

With a sharp knife carefully slice each in half to remove the stone

Occasionally revealing another plum party guest

A bright pink wiggling larvae called Grapholita funebrana, 

Discard these, unless you are aiming for extra protein

The crumble topping must be made with butter, wholemeal flour, dark muscovado sugar and cinnamon

Because that’s how my mother made it, that’s how it must be, there will be no discussion

Note: you will also need a mother who loves you, who makes excellent crumble

And who taught you to cook without you ever realising it

Place the fruit in a square earthenware dish bought from the little kitchen shop at the top of Park Street that isn’t there any more

Sprinkle over the crumble topping and cook at the right temperature until it’s cooked

Allow the warm sweet spicy smell to permeate your house, it smells of safety

Pull the dish out of the oven just as the crumble is on the right side of brown

Ruby red juices bubbling at the edges, a process technically known as ‘spleeging’

Summon your household

Sit and eat together

Best served with cream

Photo shows my real life plum tree, nibbled leaves and all. I had been pondering about what to write this week, and as plums have been a major feature, I got to thinking about those irritating recipe pages that tell half the author's life story before actually giving you any basic information about how to cook the damn thing. If you landed here looking for an actual recipe for crumble, I am truly sorry.